Vitsiä pukkaa, osa IV

[Jani Nousiainen]

Tämä ehkä kuuluu tälle osastolle vaikka onkin suora lainaus  Kiinalaisen Yangtze River Cruisesin sivuilta:

Both the "East King " and the "East Queen " have Finland made diesel engines (Arsela 8R 22126), widely recognized as one of the best medium speed engines in the world.


Täysin ennen tietämätön valmistaja mulle....

[Timo Selkälä]

How to Satisfy a Woman Everytime

Lick, paw, ogle, caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, dig, floralize, feed, laminate, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, bark, purr, hug, baste, marinate, coddle, excite, pacify, tattoo, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, tunnel, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, ululate, trust, dip, twirl, dive, grovel, ignore, defend, milk, coax, clothe, straddle, melt ,brag, acquiesce, aromate, prevail, super collide, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, reddi-whip, embrace, delouse, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, mosh, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, hold her hair while she's puking in the toilet, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, do a nickel in Attica for, dream of, promise, exceed, deliver, tease, flirt, enlist, torch, pine, wheedle, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, hezbollah, jihad, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her to Funkytown, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME

Show up naked.

[Timo Selkälä]

Finglish:

Scene: Two men at a table waiting for their dates

A: How plenty is the bell?
B: It lacks but a few minutes of eight.
A: Aren't the girls becoming visible already?
B: Shall we be having long ones as we're expecting?
A: I don't want to be in my heads when they come.
B: Virgin! Virgin! (Waitress enter)
W: What is coming to you?
B: Two long ones and food list.
W: (giving drinks) Be good, be good. Is it getting to be another?
A: No thanks.
W: Are you costing together or different?
A: Different. Moment, moment. I feel I've got Matthew in my pouch.
B: Don't care. I'll cost.
A: Thanks.
B: It won't last (pays waitress).
A: No. So, through the northern lands.
B: Through the northern lands.

Enter the girls - D and E. The men stand up and everyone says "Healthy."
A: No so. What is audible?
E: (shivering) I'm all iced. It's freezing outside. I'm all at the chicken flesh.
D: Sorry we're late. We had bunnies in our pants.
A: Butter butter! Bunnies in your pants!
E: Don't rip your football shorts. We made it root and root.
B: Virgin! Virgin! Where's the foodlist?
W: I'm not a virgin. I'm a boymangirl.
B: Butter that. Give pardon , give pardon. Two long ones still.
W: Be good, be good.
D: She feels like having a potato. Isn't it so
A: Do you have hunger?
E: No, I've already got crumbs under my breast.
D: There's a hard hunger on me. What's on the foodlist?
A: Let's see. A beginning it can be sister sausage soup.
D: Sister sausage soup! Butter brothers!
B: How about a blow on the ear?
E: Blow on the ear! Go and ski up a spruce tree!
A: Well, there's also dropbread, liverbox, gearbox (heh, just kidding), a poor knight for afterfood.
D: Don't know. This shows from interesting.
E: What?
D: Fishcock and elk balls!

[Timo Selkälä]

Lufthansa 741:     "Tower, give me a rough timecheck!"
Tower:     "It'sTtuesday, Sir."
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what??
Pilot: Yes, SIR!
----------------------------------------------------------------------

The following conversation took place at Zurich Airport recently:

Morning: Take-off RWY 28 Landing RWY 16, alternate 14:

Tower:  Alitalia 194 - taxi to rwy 28, hold short
AZ194: Ahhh, yes, taxi to rwy 28
Tower: AZ194, cleared for take-off
AZ194: Ahhh, two minutes, need preflight (checks)
30 seconds later:
Tower: Alitalia 194, YOU ARE CLEARED FOR TAKE OFF NOW.
AZ194:  Ehmmm, yes, yes, take off in two minutes
Meanwhile: Rwy 16 had a 737 with a flat, Rwy 14 was very busy, so a 767 from Cincinnati was rerouted to land on Rwy 28. The crew of the
767 had been in the air for 8 hours.
Tower: Alitalia 194, expedite take-off, we have Delta 767 final on 28 2 miles!
AZ194: Ahhh, we need 30 more seconds...
DL104: Hey Spaghetti, take-off or I'll fuck you from behind!
AZ194 took of like the space shuttle...
(Story by Salvatore Baia)

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tower:     Shamu Two Two, please state estimated time of arrival.
Pilot:     Ok, let's see..., I think Tuesday would be nice...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Pilot:     "Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar Oscar Kilo estabished ILS 16."
Tower:    "Oscar Oscar Kilo, Guten Tag, cleared to land 16, wind calm - and, by the way: this is Wien Tower."
Pilot:     (pause)  "Bratislava Tower, Oscar Oscar Kilo passed the outer marker."
Tower:     "Oscar Oscar Kilo roger, and once more: you are approaching Vienna!"
Pilot:     (pause) "Confirm, this is NOT Bratislava?"
Tower:     "You can believe me, this is Vienna!
Pilot:     (another pause) "But why? We want to go to Bratislava, not to Vienna!"
Tower:     "Oscar Oscar Kilo, roger. Discontinue approach, turn left 030 and climb to 5000 feet, vectors to Bratislava."

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Pilot:     "...Tower, please call me a fuel truck."
Tower:     "Roger. You are a fuel truck."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tower:     "Phantom-Formation crossing control zone without clearance, state your callsign !"
Pilot:     "I'm not silly..."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Pilot:     "Ground, XY-line 195, requesting start-up."
Tower:     "Sorry, XY-line 195, we don't have your flight plan. What is your destination ?"
Pilot:     "Leipzig, as always on Monday"
Tower:     "But today is Tuesday !"
Pilot:     "What!? We have the day off on Tuesday!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tower:     "Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ?"
Pilot:     "Negative, Sir. It's only the same pilot."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tower:     "Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading."
Pilot:     "Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345..."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tower:     "Lufthansa 893, number one, checkcar on the runway."
Pilot:     "Roger. We'll check the car on the runway."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tower:     "Flamingo 019, do you have a "Springbock" in sight, twelve  o'clock  five miles crossing from left to right ?"
Pilot: "If you mean a 737...?"
Tower:     "Yeah, you got it, you got it !"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tower:     "Delta Fox Alpha, hold position, Marshall will park you."
Pilot:     "Roger. Looking out for John Wayne."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tower:     "You have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Pilot:     "Give us another hint, we have digital watches!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tower:     "Mission 123, do you have problems?"
Pilot:    " I think, I have lost my compass."
Tower:    " Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Eggenfelden Info :     "D-EXXX pls. report persons aboard."
D-EXXX (C-172) :     "Pilot and two pax and one dog."
Eggenfelden Info (after Cessna finally bounced to stop) :     "Assume the Pilot in Command was the dog ?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tower:     "Height and position please?"
Pilot:     "well, I'm six foot and am sitting at the front of the plane on the left hand side"

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Washington D.C., Clearance Delivery:
     German Air Force 269, you are cleared to Destination Indian
     Springs via  after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter
      present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or
      below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to
      intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own
      navigation read back.


GAF 269:
     Roger German Air Force 269 is cleared to Destination Indian
     Springs via
     after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present
     position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after
     passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156
     direct  ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation and I need
another pencil.


Tower: "Cannot read you, say again!"

Pilot:     "Again!"

[Timo Selkälä]

WHAT IF PEOPLE BOUGHT CARS LIKE THEY BUY COMPUTERS?

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to
drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers...
But imagine if they did...


***

HELPLINE:  "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER:  "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
HELPLINE:  "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
CUSTOMER:  "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE:  "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and
turns
over the engine."
CUSTOMER:  "Ignition?  Motor?  Battery?  Engine?  How come I have to know all
of these technical terms just to use my car?"

***

HELPLINE:  "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER:  "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
HELPLINE:  "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER:  "Huh?  How do I know!?"
HELPLINE:  "There's a little guage on the front panel, with a needle, and
markings from 'E' to 'F'.  Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER:  "It's pointing to 'E'.  What does that mean?"
HELPLINE:  "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase
some more gasoline.  You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to
install
it for you."
CUSTOMER:  "What!?"  "I paid $12,000 for this car!  Now you tell me that I
have
to keep buying more components?  I want a car that comes with everything
built
in!"

***

HELPLINE:  "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER:  "Your cars suck!"
HELPLINE:  "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER:  "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
HELPLINE:  "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER:  "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the
way to the floor.  It worked for a while, and then it crashed--and now it
won't
start!"
HELPLINE:  "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product.  What do you
expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER:  "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't
crash
anymore!"

***

HELPLINE:  "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER:  "Hi!  I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it
has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and
power door locks."
HELPLINE:  "Thanks for buying our car.  How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER:  "How do I work it?"
HELPLINE:  "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER:  "Do I know how to what?"
HELPLINE:  "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER:  "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"

[Wirrankosken Rami]

...have Finland made diesel engines (Arsela 8R 22126), widely recognized as one of the best medium speed engines in the world...
Täysin ennen tietämätön valmistaja mulle....

Jäin miettimään tuota Arselaa, kyseessä tietenkin VASA 8R 22126-moottorit. Mistähän tai minkä käännöksen kautta Wärtsilästä saadaan Arsela  ;D

[MIHAIL]

Oisko Kinkkiläinen käännös??? ???

[Timo Selkälä]

Tässä käännösharjoitusta på andra inhemska.

Någån har påstått, att lärä främmande tungor är svårt. Det håller inte sin plats. Om man t.ex. vill lärä Sveriges tunga, behöver man bara vända Finlands tunga till Sverige. Alltid kommer inte lösningen den bästa, men nöden studerar inte juridik.

Nu skall jag berätta en landsvetenskaplig berättelse om min resa genom Finland på en vacker sommardag. Vi startade från Örnen och gick först till Viken. Eller vi åkte med bil, ty min godsändig reseförening hade så höga räntor, att hon inte orkade promenera. I Viken bodde vi i hotel Föreningsrum och åt där sydvästen.

Efter Viken kom vi till Tavastlandsborg. Vi fortsatte vår färd, men på Hingstvatten
kom lilla gubben över Hingstvattens rygg och så började det hundra.

Vi översatt vår resa åt väst och klädde på oss en väst. Snart var vi i Borstmakten, men dess kraftanstalt verkade ganska svag, så vi fortsatte via Akterväggälven till egentliga Väggälven. På vår resa såg v,i att smörblommor i år var mycket vackrare än änkanstidningar. "Smör, smör", sade min reseförening, "hoppas vi inte får några hageldövar." "Inte skall man vara rädd för is och vatten i hömånen", svarade jag. "Alltid kan man ju köpa nya fartygsbyxor."

I varje händelse hade jag fått vatten i min stamhuvud och kände, att gurkan var sjuk, så jag måste sätta landet.
Följande dag var jag åter hejsan och kunde resa framför honom. Slutligen kom vi via Strandlöstyskland till Morbrorsmakeri, där jag sade till min gamla bekant: " Frisk, frisk, huru surrar det".

Här kan du se att det inte är svårt, att vända Finland till Sverige. Man behöver bara hitta en finländare-svensk ordbok och börja arbeta. Någon Sveriges sverigare kanske säger, att man inte förstår det här, men fem därifrån, som doktor Regnudd säger. Och alltid kan man ju säga, att man talar Pargas dialekt.
Hej, nu måste jag gå och köra skäggen med skäggåkningsmaskinen och sedan skall jag resa till Strykbacke och Störd för att göra några butiker.
Man måste göra butiker för att komma b a till tjänst.

[Timo Selkälä]

Sign in a Laundromat
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT
GOES OUT
Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR
FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE PER PRE-PACKED BAG DO-IT-YOURSELF
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE
DRAINING BOARD
On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.(THIS DOOR IS KEPT
LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR
WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING
OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.
Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.
Outside a disco:
SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME
Sign warning of quicksand:
QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE
DISTRICT COUNCIL.
Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish:
DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE
WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN
ORDER
Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED
OF.
Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS.YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH
BUT OUR PETROL IS
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE
FIRST FLOOR
Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T
WORK)
Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT

[Timo Selkälä]

Ja sitten vanha, poliittinen joukki.

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.  Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories, except for Utah, which she does not fancy.  Your new Prime Minister (The
Rt. Hon. Tony Blair MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a
minister for America without the need for further elections.  Congress and Senate will be disbanded.  A questionnaire will be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.  Then look up 'aluminium'.  Check the pronunciation guide, you will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.  Generally you should raise your levels of vocabulary to acceptable levels.  Look up 'vocabulary'.  Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.  Look up 'interspersed'.

2. There is no such thing as 'US English', we will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish between the English and Australian accents, it really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required, occasionally, to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, 'God Save The Queen', but only after fully carrying out task 1.  We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American 'football'.  There is only one kind of football.  What you refer to as football is not a very good game.  The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that nobody else plays American 'football'.  You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.  Initially, it would be best if you played against the girls as it is a difficult game.  Those of you who are brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American 'football' but does not involve the stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or the wearing of a full Kevlar body suit like nancies).  We are hoping to get together a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde.  The 98.75% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.  The Russians have never been the bad guys.  'Merde' is French for 'sh*t'.

8. July the 4th is no longer a public holiday.  November the 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in the UK.  It will be called 'Indecisive Day'.

9. All American cars are hereby banned.  They are crap and it is for your own good.  When we show you German cars you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK as it has been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your co-operation.

[Timo Selkälä]

Lasten suustahan se totuus tulee, tunnetusti. Joten:

Ammatinvalinta:
Kun tulen isoksi, haluan mennä naimisiin. Jos kukaan ei huoli minua tulen opettajaksi.

Tiedotusvälineet:
Ilman mainoksia olisimme onnellisia tietämätta miksi

Media:
Joskus ihmiset inhoavat Tv:tä niin paljon, että istuvat vain ja mulkoilevat sitä kaikki illat.

Kielioppi:
Hän juo on futuurissa hän on juovuksissa

Biologia:
Leijonat on vaarallisia eläimiä. Joskus ne syövat jopa ihmisiä. Ne tunnistaa mm. sitä että niiden ympärillä on savanni.
Joutsenella on pitkä kaula siksi, ettei se hukkuisi kun vesi nousee
Kana on yleisin munaeläimemme
Kukat tarvitsevat vettä, kuten me tarvitsemme ruokaa ja karkkia
Kun näemme esineen, valo menee silmän läpi aivoihin, jossa vallitsee pimeys

Yleistieto:
Nuoriso on ja tulee olemaan Suomen tulevaisuus. Näin sanoivat muinaiset Kreikkalaiset

Maantieto:
Pituuspiireistä ja leveyspiireistä on se hyöty, että kun joku on hukkumaisillaan, hän voi niiden avulla kertoa sijaitinsa , jolloin hänet on helpompi löytää

[Heikki Helen]

Tutkimus: Isolla autolla ajaminen pidentää penistä

Vanha kansanviisaus isoista autoista "peniksenjatkeina" saattaa olla virheellinen, kertoo tuore suomalaistutkimus. Jyväskylän yliopiston kehäpäätelmätutkimuksen laitoksen tekemän selvityksen mukaan iso auto ei kompensoikaan sukuelinten pienuutta, vaan se todellisuudessa kasvattaa peniksen kokoa. Kasvun määräksi arvioitiin noin 0,4-1,7 senttimetriä riippuen automerkistä sekä keskinopeudesta.

"Mittaustemme perusteella suurin kasvu saatiin BMW:n 5-sarjalaisilla, Mercedeksen S-malleilla sekä Jaguarin ja Maseratin tapaisilla urheiluautoilla. Mutta myös eräillä Saabeilla ja Audeilla positiivinen muutos oli selkeästi havaittavissa", kertoo laitoksen edustaja G.T.I. Wankel.

Muutos peniksen koossa on kuitenkin Wankelin mukaan selvästi riippuvainen ajonopeudesta. Pysyviä venymisiä saatiin aikaan vain yli 150 km/h keskinopeuksilla. Myös korityypillä oli merkitystä; tehokkaimmiksi pidentäjiksi huomattiin avoautot sekä coupet. Tuloksia pidettin täysin yhteensopivina yleisen suhteellisuusteorian kanssa.

"Vastaavasti hyvin pienillä autoilla, kuten Fiatilla, ajaminen lyhentää sukuelintä keskimäärin 0,5 cm verran", huomauttaa Wankel.

Vain hyviä puolia
Tutkimuksen tekijät muistuttavat, että peniksen pitenemisellä on pääasiassa vain positiivisia sosioekonomisia vaikutuksia. He viittaavat viime heinäkuussa niinikään Jyväskylässä julkaistuun tutkimukseen, jonka tuloksena oli, että iso penis takaa pitkän ja hyvän elämän. Lehti uutisoi myös kyseisen selvityksen 7.7.2004 numerossaan.

Ainoana haittapuolena Wankelin tutkimuksessa havaittiin, että paisuvaiskudoksen määrän suurenemisesta seurasi virtsarakon pieneneminen. Tämä johtaa puolestaan siihen, että isolla autolla ajavilla ureaa kertyy myös muihin osiin ruumista, useimmiten päähän.

[Timo Selkälä]

Are you Terrified of your Computer?

Are you terrified of your computer? Do you feel out of place and overwhelmed when your friends or co-workders start spouting reams and reams of technical
jargon that you will never understand? Then this article is for you! We'll help you get over your fear of technical terminology by tickling your funny
bone. We'll start with some definitions that should be true, and we hope are entertaining.

486 - The average IQ needed to understand a P.C.
State - of - the - art -Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete - Any computer you own.
Microsecond - The time it takes for your State - of - the - art computer to become obsolete.
Syntax Error - "Hello, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
GUI (pronounced "gooey") - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.
Computer Chip - Any starchy food stuff consumed in mass quantities while programming.
Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by most computer salesmen.
Portable Computer - A device invented to force business men to work at home, on vacation and on business trips.
Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your current software.

Software Engineering Glossary From Marketing View - or defining computer terms from a "marketing point of view"
ALL NEW -- The software is not compatible with previous versions.
ADVANCED DESIGN -- Upper management doesn't understand it.
BREAKTHROUGH -- It nearly booted on the first try.
NEW -- It comes in different colors from the previous version.
DESIGN SIMPLICITY -- It was developed on a shoe-string budget.
EXCLUSIVE -- We're the only ones who have the documentation.
FIELD TESTED -- Manufacturing doesn't have a test system.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION -- All parameters are hard coded.
FUTURISTIC -- It only runs on the next-generation supercomputer.
HIGH ACCURACY -- All the directories compare.
IT'S HERE AT LAST -- We've released a 26-week project in 48 weeks.
MAINTENANCE FREE -- It's impossible to fix.
MEETS QUALITY STANDARDS -- It compiles without errors.
OPEN SYSTEMS -- Anything with our logo on it!

[Timo Selkälä]

50 Ways to Scare People in the Computer Lab
1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream, "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darned thing to work. After he/she's turned it
on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour.

4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with.

6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over and over again.

7. Work normally for awhile. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top- secret Pentagon files.

9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.

12. Type on VAX for awhile. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes about everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.

13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.

14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.

15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."

16. Every time you press return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.

17. "DISK FIGHT!"

18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (it helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).

19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper and tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge in the 3.5 disk drive. When it doesn't work, get the supervisor.

23. When you are on an IBM and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.

24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for awhile, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.

27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them, and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.

28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British royal family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.

30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.

31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.

32. Bring some dry ice and make it look like the computer is smoking.

33. Assign a musical note to every key (ex. the delete key is A-flat). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.

34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard, and taking it.

36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.

38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does your delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until, you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.

40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)

41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made-up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRR!" Peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.

43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hang up before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.

45. Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.

47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard.Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.

48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.

49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person andsay, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week."

50. Two words: Tesla Coil

-----
Top 10 Signs You're Not on the Internet Enough
10. You`ve never used the pickup line, "What`s your URL?"
9. You don`t need carpal tunnel surgery yet.
8. Poor spelling annoys you.
7. You`ve seen the inside of a shower stall at least once in the past 48 hours.
6. You only replaced your worn-out keyboard once last month.
5. Daytime soaps don`t challenge you mentally.
4. Your closest friends call you by your name, not your handle.
3. Your favorite singles hangout isn`t called #LonelyAdult.
2. You still have the capacity for speech.
1. Your repertoire of emoticons hasn`t hit double figures.

[Timo Selkälä]

Joku etsi parasta matkareittiä Haugesund-Trondheim välille. Tuolta löytyy miten kävi:

http://www.avigsidan.com/avigsidan/dpict/rundturen.html



Veteen ammuttaessa on varottava kimmokkeita ja veneestä on  turvallisinta ampua yksi metsästäjä kerrallaan.   Pitäjäläinen 18.8.1997

Kahvia. Cafe. 
Pehmis. Soft Ice. 
Leivät. Sandwich. 
Lörtsyt. WC. 
Savonlinnan torikahvilan mainosteksti

Mika Häkkinen pääsi purkamaan formulaviikonlopun pahimmat  paineensa palkintopallille ja suoraan Belgian GP:n voittajan,  Michael Schumacherin suuhun. 
Kuvateksti Turun Sanomissa 25.8.1997

Keskiajan talous perustui maataloudelle ja karjanhoidolle.  Maataloustuotteilla ja kalalla käytiin kauppaa pääasiassa Pohjois-  Saksan bensakauppiaiden kanssa. 
Kirkkonummen Sanomat 31.8.1997

Yasmin virnisti sängyllä kiemurrellen; hän taivutti selkänsä kaarelle  ja päästi äänen, joka oli rantautuneen hylkeen ja poliisiauton sireenin  välimuoto. 
Nicolas Roycen kirjoittama, vuoden huonoimmaksi valittu  seksikuvaus

Me otettiin paljon erityyppisiä kuvia, jotta luonteeni eri puolet tulisivat näkyviin. 
Linda Lampenius Playboy-lehden alastonkuvistaan Iltalehdessä 7.12.1997

Toisen kenkänsä hukannut 30-vuotias kaivukoneenkuljettaja pyristeli niin tomerasti vastaan, että pöytäkin kaatui. Kaverinsa avuksi tullut 29-vuotias jyrsijä puri portsaria käteen.  Aamulehti 24.1.1997

12.25-12.50 Bon Appétit. Herkkuja mädistä ja makeista sitrushedelmistä.  TV-ohjelmaa Helsingin Sanomissa 15.2.1997

Etenkin ensimmäinen euromissi, Ester Toivonen, hiveli todella nuoren kansakunnan itsetuntoa. Vaikutus oli sama kuin Paavo Nurmen olympiakullilla. 
Ilta Sanomat 24.6.1997

Blondeja on pantu liian pitkään liian halvalla. Nyt he ovat ottaneet ohjat omiin käsiinsä ja halvalla paneminen saa loppua.Blondiliiton varatilintarkastaja Jari Niskanen Helsingin Sanomissa

Muutama päivä synnytyksen jälkeen kätilö käy tapahtuman äidin kanssa läpi, jotta luurankoja ei kertyisi kaappiin. Pirkka 1-2/2002

Kaatuvatko arjen paineet päälle? Eikö näy valoa tunnelin päässä? - Tule tuhkauurnakurssille kansalaisopistoon! Riihimäen Sanomat